Sometimes I wish I was dead.
Just thought I would put that out there.
Some people can completely understand where im coming from and others will just accuse me of being self pitying and dramatic.
You can think what you want about me, if you understand and you are a friend to me, I will appreciate and love you too, but I dont care about your opinions if you are going to judge me, take a look in the mirror first, cause guess what, you aren't perfect either.
Living with chronic conditions isn't living sometimes.
Life can just be days of trying to exist whilst drowning in medication, pain and other days can be wonderful.
I have spent the last 12 years in pain from a damaged spine, some days are much better than others, some days I can forget about it completely.
I also suffer from monthly (recently fortnightly or more) migraines, agonising IBS, depression, anxiety and OCD.
12 years is a long time to be in pain and with my other conditions, it feels like I've lived three times longer than my 27 years. The thought of having to live another 27 years like this makes me ask myself, is it worth it?
I cant bear to live another month in my body sometimes, how am I going to do this until im old?!!
I daydream about my death, how would I do it? Where would I do it? When?
I dream about it all ending and not having to feel like this anymore.
I have tried in the past im not going to lie, many people in my situation have and will.
I make jokes to my partner sometimes that it would be kinder to 'bump me off' now before I get anyworse, he never would and he doesnt realise that behind the grin, sometimes, I am being serious.
I have come to realise now, that I am brave. I am strong.
Not everyone can continue, not everyone can keep going but I can.
Some days I really suffer but I want to achieve something.
I've signed up for university, I want to better myself and hopefully, if I nag the doctors enough they may actually pull their fingers out and do something helpful.
So that's it for the morbidity and I hope I haven't worried anyone because that wasn't the goal.
Bye for now