Friday, 17 November 2017

Would it just be better?

Sometimes I wish I was dead.

Just thought I would put that out there.
Some people can completely understand where im coming from and others will just accuse me of being self pitying and dramatic.

You can think what you want about me, if you understand and you are a friend to me, I will appreciate and love you too, but I dont care about your opinions if you are going to judge me, take a look in the mirror first, cause guess what, you aren't perfect either.

Living with chronic conditions isn't living sometimes.
Life can just be days of trying to exist whilst drowning in medication, pain and other days can be wonderful.

I have spent the last 12 years in pain from a damaged spine, some days are much better than others, some days I can forget about it completely.
I also suffer from monthly (recently fortnightly or more) migraines, agonising IBS, depression, anxiety and OCD.

12 years is a long time to be in pain and with my other conditions, it feels like I've lived three times longer than my 27 years. The thought of having to live another 27 years like this makes me ask myself, is it worth it?
I cant bear to live another month in my body sometimes, how am I going to do this until im old?!!

I daydream about my death, how would I do it? Where would I do it? When?  
I dream about it all ending and not having to feel like this anymore.

I have tried in the past im not going to lie, many people in my situation have and will.

I make jokes to my partner sometimes that it would be kinder to 'bump me off' now before I get anyworse, he never would and he doesnt realise that behind the grin, sometimes, I am being serious.

I have come to realise now, that I am brave. I am strong.

Not everyone can continue, not everyone can keep going but I can.
Some days I really suffer but I want to achieve something.

I've signed up for university, I want to better myself and hopefully, if I nag the doctors enough they may actually pull their fingers out and do something helpful.

So that's it for the morbidity and I hope I haven't worried anyone because that wasn't the goal.

Bye for now




  1. This speaks to me. I also suffer with depression and anxiety as well as living with a mental illness. Life can be so overwhelming at times and it can feel like depression is winning but we have to remember how much we love our family and what it would do to them if they see you hurting. Sending a virtual hug to you and well done for writing such a brave post! xo

    1. Thank you, I debated posting this for days and was so scared of the reception. Sending hugs your way too x

  2. Oh this is so sad. I think many of us feel this way sometimes. I know I do, sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me. I am so proud of you for carrying on and knowing deep down that you are strong enough. This was such a brave post xxx

    1. Thank you, it took a lot to post but I. Did it and I appreciate your support x

  3. Thanks for posting and sharing how you feel. It's so important to speak aloud. Lots of love, Paige x

  4. I think you are brave to share with us. As a person who suffered through 2 almost burn outs (I don't even want to know what a real one feels like. The pre-burn out was scary enough), I've bordered on depression. I've had days where I felt: that's it - If I am going to give in and lay down I may never leave my bed anymore. -
    I suffered anxiety and panick attacks. Was also treated for eating disorder. Life's journey is incredible hard sometimes. I try to focus on the good in it. The things that do bring me joy, and I'm grateful I can see them despite of it all. There's such a stigma on mental health. To me however there shouldn't be. We don't judge people with physical conditions eaither, so why should we do it with mental health?

    1. Hey, thank you so much,I agree, the stigma should be erased, people need to talk about it more, I hope you are doing ok and feel free to message me any time x

  5. It's so hard isn't it. I have post natal depression and anxiety. It's so difficult to talk about, because I should be enjoying this time with my children. You just feel like everyone will judge you. I also have chronic knee & ankle pain and IBS. All we can do is take one day at a time. Sending love x

    1. I can completely relate to PND, I felt like such a bad mother but it can strike anyone, keep your chin up and message me anytime you might wanna chat xx

  6. You can do it lovely!
    In Korea we say ‘Fighting’ in situations like this ^_^!
    Good luck with uni! And I hope the doctors do pull their fingers out and help!!
    Happy blogging xox



Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, feel free to also add your blog URL for me to read too